Special Submission by Wemimo.
There are days I understand Shrek on so many levels and while I can allude to the helplessness and impulsivity of living with Bipolar Disorder, I know there is usually a brief moment when I can choose to walk away from the damage and havoc I am about to wreak on myself, society and loved ones in Mania. I also now know to remember the gloom will pass in depression, and to enjoy a mixed state.
Yea, looking at the mirror sometimes and not being able to describe myself or how I feel is difficult I admit. However as much as it is a cross, I have to admit also that the diagnosishas changed my life in many ways and I am thankful forthem. Life is easier now. I understand why I have “MY” reactions now; the “oversensitivity”, insomnia, tiredness, hyper sexuality, the impulses, the sporadic energy, my mixed states etc. I appreciate the role of medication, psychotherapy, self awareness and a support system. I understand also how loving the wrong person, not leaving allowance for my diagnosis while on the job, the weather and failing to be mindful can lead to stress leading to a full, a half or quarter meltdown ( yes those exist!) leading to me tagged as “Extra”or dramatic.
Yes I have and suffer from bipolar disorder, somedays it’s easier to simply say I am bipolar. Yes you say tomato!, I say tomato!!, I’ve heard that reference used a lot in movies and within content I am persuaded that it applies here.
Now, interrelationships are just as difficult as they are for bipolar sufferers as any other individual. Within contextthough, to me anyone without a mental health diagnosis is “Typical”, and as a strong woman, I acknowledge that I am not typical. I will never be typical. My mind is and has always been the safest place to hide and hence when triggered I hidethere and in this state, delusion and ideation make me feel in control; sometimes it’s so real I’m fixated!.
Oh now to the point of all this, I realise deep down I crave validation, the type my father couldn’t give me for being different, I crave the unconditional affirmation from my mother that she loves me, accepts me and does not think I am an ungrateful child, or that the answer to my gloom is in the Bible. I crave Siblings who aren’t so busy with their lives they treat me like I am typical, forgetting I am not. I crave friends who actually do understand that I am not a project needing a fix, I crave a healthcare system that appears less prejudicial and biased to mental health.
I know my reactions when I am triggered, stressed or irritablefor an unprepared man, family, friends, society, culture etc., might be extra. Too too extra maybe!. I have made peace with this!. I also know who and what a Drama Queen is subjective and i simply choose to see my full beauty in the mirror, making allowance for the cascade of the bipolarity that ails me.
I suffer from Bipolar disorder, I am bipolar, yes I am sensitive and it’s a difficult diagnosis. However I am not a Drama Queen or volatile no matter what people say. I am a flawed Queen, who can choose to not have “dramatic reaction”. I amfated for great things, my creativity is genius level, my irritability is less than desirable but with medication and psychotherapy (if need be), I am capable of living a normal life!. My kind of normal!. A choice to not allow my emotionsdictate to me and to be sensitive to others. I remind myself that there are a vast number of people across the world considered extra too and that it’s ok to walk away from toxicity, to take a break from stress and that my best output at work and life generally will not always be same.
Point to Note: As sufferers we don’t enjoy being “DIFFICULT”, its tough for us too. Love us bearing in mind our DISABILITY.